|
|
Post by Justice Bringer on Jul 8, 2008 0:47:32 GMT -5
do your minions really need to eat? ofcourse how can i be an overlord if my minion army doesnt eat while they are raiding i can't afford to feed them all  |
|
|
|
Post by Sartorius on Jul 8, 2008 8:16:30 GMT -5
Sorry for my late return. I was away for the Fourth of July weekend having various forms of fun, none of which involved the computer unless you count Virtual Chess. Chapter 3 will be up later today.
|
|
|
|
Post by Sartorius on Jul 8, 2008 8:32:27 GMT -5
Chapter 3: ITS A TARP
I didn't think people would actually threaten me to finish the story...If a story is enjoyed then it must be finished immediately lest the author wants to be in danger. This is why J.K. Rowling has no children. Anyway, without further ado, here is Chapter 3 in the exciting tale of the Legend of Bob.
_______________________________________________________________________
Bob and the robed woman landed at the bottom of the pit with a thud, Bob managing to land on a pile of conveniently placed rocks. "So...Where's this challenge of ours?" Bob asked the robed woman, rolling around in the pile of rocks for his enjoyment.
The woman looked at Bob and was about to ask why he was rolling in a pile of rocks when the floor in front of them opened up and a giant rectangular machine appeared from the hole in the ground.
|
|
|
|
Post by Sartorius on Jul 8, 2008 8:38:46 GMT -5
"That is our challenge, Bob." the robed woman said toward the machine in disgust. Hatred filled her eyes as she looked at one of the most dangerous creations in New Zealand whose evil could almost surpass that of Martha Stewart herself.
"THAT is our challenge?!" Bob laughed, continuing to roll around in the sharp rocks. "It's just a giant metal box!" Bob got to his feet and prepared to walk past the box to find Martha.
"Wait!" the robed woman said, but before Bob heard her he was immediately blown 10 feet away by the sheer awesomeness that the box contained.
|
|
|
|
Post by Sartorius on Jul 8, 2008 8:48:34 GMT -5
"Woah...What just happened?" Bob said, staring at the machine in disbelief.
"You shouldn't be so arrogant!" yelled the woman, who sat down on the ground and took a deep breath. "I'll have to tell you the story of the curse of New Zealand." she sighed.
"Oh boy! Story time!" exclaimed Bob excitedly, running toward the woman and sitting down to listen.
"Ahem...Long ago, when New Zealand was a peaceful place, a horrible woman known as Martha Stewart tried to drain the world's economy using her dark magic. She almost succeeded but was captured by a group of highly trained celery stalks. She was locked deep in this prison and all sorts of defenses were placed around her."
|
|
|
|
Post by Sartorius on Jul 8, 2008 8:53:16 GMT -5
The woman took another deep breath and continued. "Martha was a crafty woman, however, and was able to escape several times, only to be captured again and again. The guardians of New Zealand discovered an ancient prophecy, saying the only way to stop Martha was to endanger the entire country."
"So...How does that involve that giant metal box or baked chicken in any way?" Bob asked impatiently.
"I'm getting to--Wait. Baked Chicken?" the woman asked confusedly.
"Yea. You know what baked chicken is. You preheat your oven to 350 degrees, Fahrenheit of course, because Celsius would just be--
"Never mind! I'll continue the story now." the woman replied angrily.
|
|
|
|
Post by Sartorius on Jul 8, 2008 9:10:42 GMT -5
"Anyway, the guardians decided the best way to do that was to place a curse on the entire country. This was a powerful curse that caused anyone who heard bad words to turn into carrots, in honor of the celery guards that sacrificed themselves to stop Martha." the woman finished as though she had not been interrupted.
"That doesn't sound so bad! I love carrots." Bob said, picturing himself with a tub full of celery in the middle of winter.
"And then they die." the woman said, standing up to look at the machine.
"Oh. That's much worse." Bob said, discouraged because he still wanted carrots.
"This people on the surface remain protected by an invisible forcefield that censors all profanity. But down here...This machine serves to make sure that the curse is in full effect." the woman said, and with those words the machine started to activate.
|
|
|
|
Post by Sartorius on Jul 8, 2008 9:18:27 GMT -5
"It's starting." the woman said, bracing herself as much as possible.
"I want some carrots." Bob said sadly, bracing himself as well.
As the two began to brace themselves, a loud beep was heard and the robed woman fell to the ground , obviously in a horrendous amount of pain.
"Are you alright over there?" Bob asked, who seemed to be unaffected by the machines waves of destruction.
"Why doesn't...It affect...You?" the woman asked, clutching her head in pain as she struggled to speak. "Do you not hear those...horrible sounds?" she said, here skin beginning to turn green.
Bob remembered the gift the woman had given to him. The Censor Shield was protecting him from the Profane Waves that the machine was creating. Bob stared at the woman and said "I know that you're jealous that that I can't hear the words, but there's no reason to turn green with envy." Bob laughed, thinking he should become a comedian one day.
|
|
|
|
Post by Sartorius on Jul 8, 2008 9:27:24 GMT -5
The woman's skin began to turn into a pale orange and her strength began weakening. She had enough power to cast a spell, summoning a giant boulder which crushed Bob's big toe.
"This shield is really useful. All I hear the machine saying is 'Balls of Steel.' which isn't bothering me at all. Orange you glad I can use this shield?" Bob said, his comedic talent shining through. "Anyway, this machine is blocking my way through. How do I get past it?" Bob asked, still thinking of his future career as a comedian.
"I'll cast a spell...to get you...through." the woman said, her skin growing more of an orange color each second. "And always remember this, Bob..."
"Yea?" Bob asked anxiously.
"I...hate...you." the woman said, and before her carrot transformation was complete she transported Bob to the other side of the machine where his next challenge awaited him.
______________________________________________________
End of Chapter 3
This part of the story is quite long because it does take a while to get through the most dangerous prison ever. Anyway, I managed to finish this part early, so I may finish the next chapter before the day's end. As always, I am obliged to say this:
Love it? Hate it? Both? Post your questions, comments, and concerns and I'll be sure to answer them as soon as possible.
Until next chapter, this is King Zant, signing off.
|
|
|
|
Post by Justice Bringer on Jul 8, 2008 9:48:16 GMT -5
I Love it so much your village will be spared ohh and sorry rob, i guess that means no cake  |
|
Xero
Smash Apprentice
Xero is back!
Posts: 160
|
Post by Xero on Jul 8, 2008 11:45:01 GMT -5
Finally! Sounds like there's only one or two chapters left! Three at most. It's hilarious.
|
|
|
|
Post by Anthony G on Jul 8, 2008 11:59:36 GMT -5
ohh and sorry rob, i guess that means no cake If Lucco were here, this is how he would reply to this comment THE CAKE IS A LIE |
|
|
|
Post by Alexander on Jul 8, 2008 12:08:25 GMT -5
oh well. at least an awesome story took the place of the cake i was about to get. can't wait for the next installment of: ~~~The Legend of Bob~~~. this story is amazing!
|
|
|
|
Post by Justice Bringer on Jul 8, 2008 16:39:25 GMT -5
the cake is a truth
|
|
|
|
Post by Alexander on Jul 8, 2008 19:36:31 GMT -5
at least it was going to be. |
|
|
|
Post by Sartorius on Jul 8, 2008 22:06:03 GMT -5
Chapter 4: O RLY?
So, hopefully Bob will find Martha at this chapter's end. But just what is the challenge that awaits him?
______________________________________________________________________
Bob heard deafening screams as the robed woman completed her carrot transformation, but he had no time to enjoy them, as he did have to see Martha. He looked in front of him where there was a giant sign stating: YE WHO HAS TEH NERV TO ESCAPE THE DUKE NUKEM SNDBORD WILL NAO FACE THE ULTIMATE CHALLINJ. JUST PRESS TIHS BUTTON K THX.
"This must be the New Zealanders' ancient language. It's kinda hard to read." Bob said, approaching the button.
"I guess I'd better press the button then!" Bob said excitedly, touching the giant button shaped like Bugs Bunny. He was immediately pushed into another giant pit by a large ant and landed with a thud onto the ground below.
|
|
|
|
Post by Sartorius on Jul 8, 2008 22:13:03 GMT -5
"I swear if I fall into another pit...OOH I SMELL CARROT CAKE!!!111one" yelled Bob, searching around for the source of his favorite carrot product in the dark carroty cave. A mysterious light turned on, showing Bob that he was inside a giant cage with a small bunny.
"Aw, it's a cute bunny rabbit...Perhaps I should pet it?" Bob asked no one, approaching the rabbit with wide arms in an attempt to hug it.
"PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH THE RABBIT. IT IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD." said a small magical blender the size of Bob.
"I'm sorry. I don't listen to blenders." Bob replied, hugging the bunny happily.
|
|
|
|
Post by Sartorius on Jul 8, 2008 22:17:31 GMT -5
As soon as Bob touched the bunny's fur, he was blown toward the other side of the cage. The ceiling where he had fallen from moments ago began to close, and the bunny's fur began to spike up and turn golden.
"ZOMG Super Saiyan rabbit?" asked Bob, getting up and putting on his sunglasses to avoid the blinding light emanating from the rabbit's glowyness.
"......" said the rabbit in an unknown language.
"Um...I can't understand you." said Bob, who had not passed Bunny 3 in school.
The magical blender said "You really should learn to listen to blenders." and moved from the spot in which he was stuck to the ground, revealing a small computer chip.
|
|
|
|
Post by Sartorius on Jul 8, 2008 22:22:27 GMT -5
"This computer chip, when plugged into a pair of sunglasses that are extremely H4X0RZ, will grant the wearer the ability to understand any language." said the blender in a loud, monotonous voice.
"How does that work? How does my eyewear affect my-"
"DON'T ASK. WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, DON'T ASK WHY I HAVE IT EITHER. IT WAS JUST PLACED HERE FOR THE CHOSEN ONE WHO AVOIDED THE CARROT MAGIC." yelled the blender.
"Oh. That makes sense." said Bob, taking the computer chip, trying to avoid the bunny's evil gaze. He placed the computer chip on his sunglasses, which immediately fused together.
Obligatory Item Gained Theme:
DA NA NA NA
You got the Speech Sunglasses. For some messed up reason they allow your eyes to transmit sound to your ears. Even more strange, they come with the Bunny language built in. Aren't you lucky, Bob?
|
|
|
|
Post by Sartorius on Jul 9, 2008 14:20:49 GMT -5
"Alright. Let's try this again." Bob said, marveling at his awesome new glasses. "Say what you said but didn't say because I say I couldn't understand what you said you said."
~What a bumbling idiot.~ thought the bunny in a British accent.
"Ahem. "I haven't seen anyone around here recently. Usually I only see carrots that speak in human voices from some reason. Delicious...Carrots" said the bunny, staring at Bob and wondering why he was not a carrot.
"I guess I'm the only one to survive this curse." Bob said, wondering how the mysterious robed woman was faring as a carrot.
|
|
|
|
Post by Sartorius on Jul 9, 2008 14:24:48 GMT -5
"Yes. It's quite a shame that it doesn't make a bit of difference. I'm going to devour you anyway. I haven't had a meal in ages, so if you won't become a carrot then I've no choice but to eat you as you are." laughed the bunny hysterically, standing up on its hind legs as its fur glowed.
"A bunny...Eating a human? You must be joking!" Bob said, ROFLing in the cage. With those words, the bunny dashed straight towards Bob, gnawing his...Well, as the narrator I say you should use your imagination to figure out what is being gnawed.
"OMFG I'M BEING ATTACKED BY A BUNNY!" yelled Bob, clutching is groin in pain as he hopped around on one foot.
|
|
|
|
Post by Sartorius on Jul 9, 2008 14:29:13 GMT -5
"Maybe you'll learn to take rabbits more seriously." replied the bunny, who stopped chewing and dashed to the other end of the cage, laughing at Bob's pain.
~What would Chuck Norris do if he hadn't crashed into New Zealand and lost all his 1337 powers? How would he defeat a killer bunny?~ thought Bob. Then the solution hit him, quite literally. The blender threw a razor sharp carrot right at Bob, who caught it inside his foot.
"Ow. I'm starting to lose my love of carrots." said Bob, who pulled the carrot out of his foot and started to swing it from side to side, taunting the evil bunny.
|
|
|
|
Post by Sartorius on Jul 9, 2008 14:33:15 GMT -5
"Wh-What are you doing? Put that down!" yelled the bunny, staring at the carrot as it moved from side to side.
Bob completed his plan by taking out a conveniently placed bottle of sleeping pills from his bag and throwing them in the magical blender, who crushed them immediately.
"Give...me...the carrot!" yelled the bunny as electricity appeared around him. His teeth grew by 1 whole centimeter as he prepared to strike.
Bob proceeded towards the blender and dipped the carrot in the ground sleeping pills right as the bunny dashed toward him. Bob threw the carrot to the other side of the cage right before the bunny got to him.
|
|
|
|
Post by Sartorius on Jul 9, 2008 14:37:08 GMT -5
The bunny grabbed and devoured the carrot, falling asleep instantly.
"It looks so peaceful. Perhaps I should pet it?" Bob said, clearly learning his lesson from the experience.
"I swear, if you pet it again I'll blend you." said the magical blender in an annoyed tone.
"Oh. Sorry...Thanks for the carrot. Without it I probably would've died!" said Bob, gaining his love of carrots again.
"No problem. I'm stuck here guarding the bunny, but now that he's asleep I can finally rest. He's so pushy. It's always 'make me this.' or 'blend me that.' He doesn't care about me at all!" said the blender as he began to cry.
|
|
|
|
Post by Sartorius on Jul 9, 2008 14:42:01 GMT -5
"It'll be alright, Mr. Blender. I'd take you out of here with me but I really need to find Martha. Georgia gonna get pwnd in approximately...1 hour!?!?!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Bob yelled running around frantically.
The blender spit another carrot out at Bob to snap him out of his frenzy. "Relax. If you needed to see Martha you should have asked me in the first place!" said the blender, spitting a carrot toward the sign that said 'PLZ AKS BLNDR 4 MARTHA TRANSPORT K THX.'
"Now I feel really stupid. That language is still hard to read. Anyway, Mr. Blender, can you take me to Martha please?" Bob asked nicely, putting a bandage on the parts of him the bunny had gnawed.
|
|
