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Post by Sartorius on Dec 19, 2009 22:32:17 GMT -5
"What? No...No! You can't mean this! It was a mistake! It was this kid's--
"No excuses. As Her guards, you should know that you never, EVER violate rule 13. Since you were in Her employment, we won't execute you." explained the head guard somberly. He gave off the impression that he loved executions.
"Oh, that's good." The lower guards simultaneously let out a sigh of relief.
"Hahaha! We're going to give you a much harsher punishment! A punishment devised by Her Majesty Herself! We're taking you to..." An invisible camera zoomed in on the head guard's lips as he said "ROOM ZERO!"
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Post by Sartorius on Dec 19, 2009 22:36:48 GMT -5
"No! Not Room Zero! That room has the most sinister--
"Heh. We know. Come on, Rookies. You're coming with us." Each of the super guards grabbed one of the lower guards, restraining them by pulling on their ears. A shame the lower guards didn't get helmets to protect themselves.
The lower guards all screamed in pain, dropped their weapons, and flashed Bob a look of such disdain that he resumed making grass angels. Slowly the super guards began to take the lower guards away to Room Zero, a hidden room somewhere in the world.
"Bye, guys! Have fun!" Bob yelled, although as they left he stood up and frowned. "I never got to tell them who I was! It was rude of those other guards to take the first ones away before I finished." Bob said, missing the point as always.
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Post by Sartorius on Dec 19, 2009 22:43:35 GMT -5
"Oh well. Now, I was doing something before those guards came. What was it?" Bob paced the floor, trying to figure out what his most recent goal was. Suddenly, a black notebook emblazoned with a beer bottle logo fell on top of his head.
"What was that?" Bob yelled to no one. He looked downward and found the notebook, pocketing it. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Obligatory Item Theme:
DA NA NA NA!
You got a mysterious notebook! Equip it to C to record all of your ideas, dreams, and goals so you no longer forget them! It even comes with a pencil and beer bottle eraser!
"What am I supposed to do with this?" Bob yelled once again to no one.
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Post by Sartorius on Dec 19, 2009 22:49:29 GMT -5
"Psst! Hey, you! Over there!" came a mysterious voice that was blatantly behind the only tree in Bob's front yard.
"Who said that? And why did a notebook fall on my head? And why does it have a beer bottle on it? Answer me!" Bob demanded, stomping his foot on the ground in a temper tantrum.
"Over here! Behind the tree!" whispered the voice.
"What tree? There are like thousands around Georgia!" Bob said, thinking that the voice was incredibly stupid for not knowing that.
"Grr...The only tree in your yard!" yelled the voice.
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Post by Sartorius on Dec 19, 2009 22:57:34 GMT -5
"Well, there's no reason to yell about it!" Bob said casually, walking over to the now-obvious location of the voice. He went behind the tree and was surprised to find everyone's favorite long silver haired pretty boy in very casual clothing.
"Hey! Sephiroth! Didn't I send you blasting off ages ago? And before that didn't you die in FFVII and Advent Children? How are you back...again?!" Bob was extremely confused, although this was nothing new to him.
"What? What are you talking about? I never died! I became best friends with a spiky blonde haired kid and we went on to destroy some electric company. I have no idea what you're getting at!"
"Oh..." ~Sephiroth must have been altered by her time altering skills! She'll pay for ruining a story that almost made sense!~ Bob thought. "So, what are you doing here, Sephiroth, since the entire first few chapters apparently weren't retconned by time hax?" Bob asked.
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Post by Sartorius on Dec 19, 2009 23:05:03 GMT -5
"Well, I was hiding from the Solar Empress's evil guards. I accidentally broke rule 27: No forming secret groups, resistances, or other organizations whose sole purpose in existence is to take down the Solar Empress. Punishable by stern warning and 5-10 hours community service." Sephiroth shuddered, deeply disturbed by such a harsh punishment.
"Woah! That's pretty tou...Wait. Stern warning? You get punished by death if you say the word Malary! Getting a stern warning for trying to--
Before Bob could finish, sirens blared. Again.
"That's the fifth time I've heard that sound today. You've got to be more careful! Come on, kid. Follow me unless you want to be turned into minced meat." Sephiroth laughed dryly, running to a tree across the street and pressing a button.
"Does this meat have barbecue sauce? I love barbecue sauce." Bob went into a dream like state, thinking about meat and barbecue sauce.
Sephiroth ran back to Bob and forcefully grabbed his arm. "No, kid, there's no barbecue sauce. Let's GO!" Sephiroth went to the tree across the street, pressed a few buttons, and the ground around the tree opened up.
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Post by Sartorius on Dec 19, 2009 23:12:14 GMT -5
"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Bob yelled as the duo fell through the ground and went down a needlessly convoluted series of slides. "I could do this forever!" Bob cheered, but right as he did, the two landed with a thud on a cold hard floor in a dark, seemingly empty room.
"Ouch." Bob stood up, rubbing his buttocks in pain. "I know you're probably about to tell me because the question I'm going to ask is so blatantly obviously going to be asked because it's such a common question that is always asked by the person who has no idea and proceeded to be answered by the person who actually has the idea--
"Shut up! We're in the blasted Redwing headquarters!" Sephiroth yelled in exasperation. "Does that answer your question!?"
"I guess...You still don't have to yell..." Bob muttered, his feelings having been impaled by Sephiroth's words. "So, why are we here? That's the second most common question asked because the..."
Sephiroth proceeded to tune Bob out until he finished.
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Post by Sartorius on Dec 19, 2009 23:19:55 GMT -5
"...and that's why I learned that bagels with cream cheese are terrible to have while drinking orange juice." Bob finally finished. Sephiroth managed to tune back in immediately as he said that.
"I'm going to refrain from commenting on that to avoid hearing your reply. Anyway, we're here because this is the secret resistance group I was telling you about earlier." Sephiroth smiled, and clapped his hands. Lights turned on throughout the room, revealing a series of long tables, at all of which sat various piratey looking characters all asleep...or unconscious from drinking. "Welcome to the super secret Redwing Headquarters!" Sephiroth announced proudly.
"How can it be secret? Didn't you just tell me that you were running away from the guards because--
Cutting Bob off, Sephiroth continued. "I saw the way you masterfully handled yourself in front of those guards, so I figured you'd be a perfect addition to our group to destroy the Solar Empress! What do you say?" Sephiroth turned to Bob and smiled a smile that seemed to say 'Join us or suffer!'
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Post by Sartorius on Dec 19, 2009 23:27:39 GMT -5
~This will be the perfect opportunity to...um...What was I going to do?~ Bob tapped his foot for a moment before taking out his pencil and notebook. ~Oh yea. Save my parents. I'd better write it down so I don't forget it later.~ Bob jotted something down in his notebook before stuffing it back in his knapsack.
"Sure I'll join you now that I remember what I was supposed to be doing! Is there a complex initiation ritual I have to do because I'm more than ready for the challenge!" Bob lifted his fist into the air dramatically.
"Nope. We just have to talk to the boss. Follow me" Sephiroth said. Bob, crestfallen, put his arm down to his side and sulked along, following Sephiroth. They traveled across the lengthy hall and opened a grandiose, gold covered door that led to an ornate room where a burly looking man dressed in rags sat.
"Who dares to disturb my slumber?!" the man boomed before he noticed Sephiroth. Immediately he got to his knees and groveled on the floor. "Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Sephiroth! I didn't recognize ya!"
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Post by Sartorius on Dec 19, 2009 23:40:31 GMT -5
"Cut it out, Captain." Sephiroth lifted the man to his feet, slightly put off by the overly forgiving nature of what appeared to be a tough man.
"Captain?! What?!" Bob exclaimed, slapping his ears and shaking his head since he couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"That's right, lad!" The man walked up to Bob, reached a burly hand out and shook Bob's minuscule in comparison fingers. "The name's Captain Jack Harrow, captain of the Redwing crew! We're on a goal to stop the evil Empress from...uh...more tyranny!" he smiled, turning back to Sephiroth. "So, what's the lad here for?"
"He's going to join our group. He has a lot of potential, it seems. Stopped a bunch of guards single-handedly." Sephiroth was clearly proud of his potential recruit, as he was beaming in delight.
"K." the captain said, sitting down and nodding off to sleep.
"Well, you're in!" Sephiroth high fived Bob, who hadn't raised his hand to do so.
~How'd he high-five me without my participation? And why am I in the group without an initiation? How much longer can I wait until I die of starvation? Why are all my thoughts ending in the suffix 'ation'?!~ Bob thought. Without another word, he passed out on the ground from hunger.
"Ha. Eager to begin his journey to stop the Empress. I don't blame him either. He'll need as much rest as he can get to kill Malary." Sephiroth laughed and, without warning, sirens blared for the umpteenth time.
___________________________________________________________________
End of Chapter 9
And there you have the no doubt long awaited/forgotten next installment in the epic tale of the Legend of Bob. Nothing like a bit of comedy and pirates to start off the reopening of the series. I'm not going to guarantee a specific time when I'll post chapter 10, but chances are it will be before 2010. If it's not before Christmas, however, I wish you all a Merry Christmas. Hold that thought...Phone's ringing.
Alright, seems I have to be politically correct. I wish you all..."Happy Holidays!" if I don't post before...the holidays. As always, my mandatory disclaimer thing:
Love it? Hate it? Both? Post your questions, comments, and concerns in the Official Legend of Bob discussion thread and I'll address them ASAP.
Until next time, this is Sartorius/Majora on YourStory
Signing off!
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