~~~The Legend of Bob~~~ Official Story Thread

[Sartorius]

"So...What did you do?" Martha asked, though she predicted the answer already.

"I-I murdered my younger self. I went back into the late 1900's and killed myself as a young adult to present myself from making these mistakes...After I-no-after she died, I took on her age and I haven't grown older since. The man told me that killing her would remove my humanity and stop me from aging, two things necessary to become the world's eternal ruler. He told me where to find Martha Stewart and blessed me with magical power to find her. Once he disappeared, I covered myself in a robe. I was too embarrassed to show my face." Hilary said, beginning to cry.

"Yea, I get embarrassed all the time." said Bob. "Like this one time, at band camp I-" before Bob finished, his mouth was shut by the magic of the two women.

"I went to New Zealand, where the man said you were. I tried finding you for years, but everyone was too frightened to tell me about Alcatraz, and I was shunned by all I asked. I was ready to give up when that boy came along." Hilary said, pointing at Bob with a mixture of happiness and hatred.

~Glad to help!~ thought Bob, unable to speak.

[Sartorius]

"And what a help you were Bob..." said Hilary with a sinister tone in her voice as if she had read Bob's mind. She slowly regained her composure, standing up and walking toward Martha. "That is why I'm here, Martha. The mysterious person said our powers together would let us become eternal rulers of this planet...What do you say?" Hilary asked Martha with desperation.

"A chance to not only escape this dreadful prison, but exact revenge on all those who put me here? And free marshmallows?" Martha asked, standing up.

"All the marshmallows that our future slaves can produce." laughed Hilary, her voice slowly changing to that of a pure evil character.

"I wouldn't give this chance up for the world!" Martha cackled happily, releasing Bob's mouth from its magical binding.

[Sartorius]

"Aren't you going to get the world anyway? I mean, when you think about it what you said doesn't really make sense, because-" Bob was interrupted by the words 'Shut up!' Instantly he was unable to talk again.

"So, we must merge our powers together, correct?" Martha asked, eager to take her vengeance upon all of the people who had wronged her.

"Yes. To do so we must do...The Fusion Dance." said Hilary, demonstrating the technique. "You have to extend your fingers like that at the end." she finished, looking very silly.

"This dance looks ridiculous. But if it's the only chance I have to destroy those fools..." Martha trailed off.

"Alright, then. Ready?" Hilary asked Martha as they walked next to each other, standing side by side.

"Fu..." they said as they moved away from each other.

"SION..." came the next syllable as the two moved closer, standing on one leg.

"HA!" yelled and danced the two women in complete synchronization, touching their fingers together. A bright flash of light blinded the area as the two merged into one being.

[Sartorius]

When the light faded, the new figure was seen by Bob, who was shocked at the sight. In front of him stood a long haired, demon like woman. She floated above the ground, her hair nearly touching it. Her eyes were a piercing red which struck fear into Bob's heart.

"Yes...Now, what should I call myself..." the new woman said, pacing back and forth. While the two thought, Bob's mouth seal was temporarily broken.

"How about Malary? It's like Martha and Hilary put together, and it sounds pretty normal." Bob said, realizing that time was quickly running out.

"A grand idea. The first good idea you've had in a while. I shall call myself Malary, then." Malary said. Her presence exuded so much energy that Martha's room was beginning to tremble. She released Bob from the ceiling, causing him to crash upon the floor.

"Since I helped you, can you guy, err, girls, person...Well, can you help me save Georgia?" Bob asked with a lot of hope.

[Sartorius]

"Ha, I've got far too much to worry about. Georgia is not one of them. Sorry, Bob..." Malary said with false sympathy. She took Hilary's amulet and put it around her neck, allowing her to control the fabric of time.

~No! What am I going to do? Georgia will be pwnd in a matter of minutes!" Bob yelled in his mind. Malary, whose power was rising at an exponential rate, heard his thoughts and replied "Hmm...Tell you what. I don't want your last moments of freedom to be too bad."

"Really? So you'll save Georgia?" Bob again asked hopefully.

"No, but I will let you watch its destruction before you die." Malary said. The room's collapse became more apparent to Bob.

"After all I've helped you with, you're going to kill me?" Bob shouted, angry at Malary.

"Bob, don't take this personally-in fact, take it as a compliment. You are the only one who could even have a 1% chance of stopping my rule. After defeating countless enemies, making it here, killing a giant bunny, it is obvious that you are a threat to my plans. I thank you dearly for your help, Bob, but I no longer require your services. Goodbye." Malary said, teleporting out of the room, leaving nothing but a large TV and a collapsing ceiling behind. It showed upon the screen what seemed to be Georgia, and a large object was slowly falling upon it. Bob merely watched in horror as the only thing he had left was about to be destroyed...

To Be Continued
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End of Chapter 7

Holy crap, that's got to be the most epic chapter yet. Will Bob manage to save Georgia before it's too late, or with both Bob and Georgia be crushed? Find out in the next chapter of The Legend of Bob.

You know where to post your questions, comments, and concerns, so until next time this is

Emperor Veralice,
Signing Off

[Sartorius]

Chapter 8: A Twisted Timeline

Sorry for the delay in getting this chapter to you guys. I was busy last week and only update it on weekends, so I was unable to add the next part in the exciting Legend of Bob saga. Anyway, you all should recall that Georgia and Bob were both about to be crushed to death. Yeah, virtually no way to get out of that one. Without further ado, let the Bob commence!
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Malary, directly above the collapsing cave that had been Martha's lair, cackled loudly. It was very dark outside, and she could see the glowing moon as a mere speck in the sky as it moved rapidly toward Georgia.

"Oh, that Bob..." she said, almost saddened that she would no longer see his crazy escapades and shenanigans. "Ah, well. Better to kill him now than worry later...Now what to do?" Malary asked herself, unsure of her next course of action.

She continued to stare at the moon, which moved further toward Georgia; it would be a matter of seconds before Georgia and a good bit of the rest of the planet were crushed under the weight of the moon.

[Sartorius]

"5..." Bob whimpered inside Martha's crumbling prison. "I'm going to miss my family in Georgia..." he said, crying for the first time in ever since he started his journey.

"What action should I take?" Malary said from above, pacing back and forth in the air.

"4 seconds left..." Bob said sadly to no one but himself. "I guess I'll miss the friends that turned on me there, too."

"Hmm, I've got unlimited power...There has to be some way to get revenge." Malary said, furious at her incapability to get an idea.

"3...I'll definitely miss that chicken. That was good chicken..." Bob muttered, trying to muster up the energy to smile. Debris from the ceiling continued to fall.

"Hmph...What if I were to...?" Malary asked herself, almost done thinking of an idea."

[Sartorius]

"2...I'll miss Mr. Blender and Chuck Norris most of all. Those two have played such an important part in my life...I'll never forget them. If you guys can hear me in your respective dust and near dead states, I miss you!" Bob yelled, ceiling rubble falling into his mouth.

"Yes, that's the perfect idea! Why didn't I think of it sooner?" Malary said, slapping herself for her inability to think of the idea earlier. She landed on the ground and fastened Hilary's amulet around her neck.

"1 second remaining. I guess Georgia and I are both doomed. The ceiling will collapse and both of us will be crushed. I suppose I am as ready as I'll ever be for death..." Bob trailed off, drawing Excalibob and preparing for the end.

[Sartorius]

"Antechrono!" Malary yelled. With that word, her amulet began to glow and everything stopped. The trees stopped moving, birds stopped flying, water stopped rushing, and most importantly the moon had been stopped a mere inch from crushing some of the tallest buildings in Georgia. In a flash, Malary disappeared, and with her the flow of time.

Though the entire world was frozen, from an omniscient point of view I can tell you that things are amiss. Attributes of the planet slowly began to change; the light from what could be seen of the moon from New Zealand faded completely. It was pitch black and all was silent until the earth began to rumble. Fissures and crevices appeared out of nowhere and buildings across the world collapsed. The world was (figuratively speaking) turning upside down, all while everyone was frozen in time.

[Sartorius]

Almost as suddenly as time had disappeared from the planet it came back. Things were extremely different, however, and the world as everyone had known it seemed to have gone.

Bob, who had been freed of the time freezing effects, awoke in his nice, comfortable bed to the sound of food cooking. "Huh? Is this my...house?" Bob asked, more confused than he normally is. "I haven't been here in ages...Not since I left on that quest and drew Excalibob..." Bob reminisced about the mysterious scroll that had started his journey.

"I smell...BREAKFAST!" Bob yelled, extremely hungry as he hadn't eaten in what seemed like ages. "That must mean...My parents are here!" Bob came to the realization that his parents must be home as they are the only people who knew how to cook there.

[Sartorius]

Bob ran into the kitchen and saw two people there; sure enough they were his parents. "Mom, Dad!" Bob yelled, running up to hug the two people. Both of them looked at him strangely and awkwardly returned the hug.

"What's the matter, son?" the two asked in a creepy unison, almost as if they were enslaved. Bob paid no attention to this, however, and asked "Oh, boy! Is that French toast!" while reaching for the plate.

His parents slapped his hand away immediately. "Ow! What was that for?" Bob asked, angry, hungry, and discouraged.

"Boy, that food's for the Empress! You know that!" Bob's mom said, making sure the food was up to par for the ruler of Georgia.

[Sartorius]

"The...Empress?" Bob asked, completely puzzled at this new piece of information.

"Did you hit your head or something, boy! You know about the Empress!" his father said impatiently, crossing his arms and glaring at Bob intensely.

"The Empress...of Georgia?" asked Bob, trying to put the pieces of this puzzle together.

"Ha ha ha ha ha!" his parents laughed dryly and sarcastically as if there were no emotion whatsoever in the laugh. "No, boy. The Empress of the solar system!" Bob's mom said, putting the finishing touches on the French Toast so that it would be perfect for the Empress.

[Sartorius]

"Who...Who is the Empress?" Bob asked, worried and anxious about the answer he might receive. He didn't want to hear what they were about to say, but he new that his parents' words were necessary to solving the puzzle.

"We can't say Her name, boy! You should know that! She said so a few months ago!" Bob's father said angrily. He couldn't figure out what Bob's problem was. "Are you sure you didn't hit your head or something?" he added, taking out a bottle of what looked like lethal cyanide in an aspirin bottle.

"I'm positive...Wait a second. Where have I been? What's going on!? And are you sure that bottle has aspirin in it?" Bob questioned the two adults, completely oblivious to everything that was happening in this strange new land.

[Sartorius]

"Boy, you've been in your room sleepin' for ages now! At least 2 months, maybe three! You fell asleep the day after She became Empress! You were awake just long enough to get the rules she set!" Bob's dad said, his voice full of wrath toward Bob's obvious stupidity.

"You should also know that She does not tolerate the weak, and so the slightest illnesses and the people who have them must be poisoned with cyanide pills." his mother stated as if it were common knowledge.

"What is the world coming to?" Bob asked. He checked a calendar on the kitchen wall and noticed that the date was set several days ago, the exact date he began his three day journey to save Georgia as a matter of fact.

[Sartorius]

"What? What's going on here? What has happened to the world? Who's the Empress responsible!?" Bob asked, frustrated, confused, and eager to get some answers.

"Malary Stewart!" his parents yelled in an angry unison. Suddenly a siren located near the ceiling of the house began making a horrible shrill sound, and guards donned in black suits and armed with lasers burst into the room, their weapons aimed at Bob's parents.

"Who said the Solar Empress's name!" demanded the guards, who were charging their weapons before the parents got the chance to utter a word.

The two parents looked as if they were about to blame Bob, but their parental judgment got in the way and said "We did, but it wasn't our fau-

The guards interrupted the parents by saying "You're under arrest for violation of the Solar Empress's 13th rule: You shall never speak Her name. Punishable by execution." Placing handcuffs around the parents' wrists, the guards said "You have neither the right to remain silent nor speak. Your execution will occur within 2 weeks time." With that, Bob's parents were dragged away into a truck headed toward the jail.

[Sartorius]

"Mom? Dad?" Bob asked, knowing that no one would hear him from the room. He walked to the door that the guards had broken through and lifted it up, reattaching it on his own.

"What happened? It seems like just yesterday Georgia was going to be destroyed by a giant moon, and now..." Bob trailed off, frightened and unsure of what to do.

"How did she become the Empress? What did I do wrong? Or better yet, what did she do correctly?" Bob asked, going back into his room to brainstorm. He was the only one who refused to use 'she' and 'her' as proper pronouns.

[Sartorius]

"I have to stop this...My parents are going to be executed within the next half of a month and it's all my fault..." Bob said morosely. He was deeply saddened by the loss of his parents, and the thought of how the Solar Empress might kill them only disturbed him even more.

"I have to think of a plan...But I'll need some help. Since this an alternate time line, Chuck Norris hasn't crashed into the New Zealand ground and should still be in good shape here in America!" Bob yelled excitedly, running up to a glass case labeled 'Break in case of time travel related emergency.'

Bob broke open the case with his fist because he's just so awesome and retrieved a nice, small black laptop with a picture of a sword attached to the top. "Now, I just have to Google Chuck Norris and find his current whereabouts. Then I can get him to help me! He's the only one I know who could resist Malary's rule.

[Sartorius]

Bob typed the words 'Chuck Norris' in parentheses into the Google search engine and pressed Enter, awaiting the results. What he received were nothing short of horrifying. Every on the list showed pictures like this:



"WHAT!!!!!" Bob let out a scream that could shake the entire galaxy. "No...No, I'm just imagining things. This must be a cruel, cruel joke." Bob said, and he tried typing the words 'Chuck Norris' into every search engine he could think of, but it was to no avail. They all showed the same pictures of Chuck Norris.

[Sartorius]

"No...These are all just some weird April Fools jokes..." Bob laughed hysterically, trying to assure himself that Chuck Norris was still the roundhouse kicking martial artist he had come to admire. He disregarded the fact that it was July and kept laughing.

Bob decided to click on a page and read some of the text accompanying the photos, hoping to prove to himself that it was just a horrible joke.

Hi! Welcome to Chuck Norris' web page. Here's a brief history of my life. I was born and raised in Ryan, Oklahoma. When I was six, I began practicing martial arts, and I got really good at it.

"Yes, all just a joke...I guess I'll read some more while I brainstorm ideas of getting to Chuck's home." Bob said, pleased that the entire world wasn't completely different.

Then one day a mysterious woman came to me and told me that if I didn't stop practicing martial arts immediately that my family and I would die. She was very powerful so I knew she meant business, but to make sure I knew it she ended up burning one of my beloved possessions. From then on I sheltered myself and started studying, and I haven't kicked or punched anyone since.

[Sartorius]

"No...NO!" Bob yelled, as almost all hope was lost. Bob remembered he still might have something of use to him, so he checked for his bag.

"Where's my bag? My sunglasses, my money...Excalibob!? Where are they!?" Bob yelled, almost dismantling his entire room before coming to the conclusion that in this timeline he had non of his old weapons, items, or anything.

"No...No sword...No glasses...No parents...Not even a Chuck Norris to look up to...My life has no more meaning, and my only family will die within the next 14 days..." Bob said, collapsing upon the floor...As he prepared to just lie there for all of eternity, the memories of all the people he would let down by giving up came into his mind.

"No. I won't give up. It's because of those things I need to keep fighting. If I ever want to see Chuck Norris, my mom, my dad, or anything else again, then I'll have to return everything to normal, and to do that I must defeat Malary!" yelled Bob courageously, and grabbing a small knapsack of items he ran out the door before the siren rang.
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End of Chapter 8

OMFG Most epic chapter yet. Malary apparently screwed up time, screwed up Chuck Norris, and screwed up the entire solar system. How Bob gets out of this I have no clue. Alas, I have to stop writing for now, but I'll continue next week.

You know the drill. Love it? Hate it? Both? Post your questions, comments, and concerns in the Official Legend of Bob discussion thread and I'll address them ASAP.

Until then, this is Emperor Veralice
Signing off.

[Sartorius]

Chapter 9: Aren't You Dead?!

My, my, my! It sure has been quite some time since I last updated The Legend of Bob. Over a year, but not quite a year and a half. If you'll recall, where we last left Bob, he had been taken back in time to see that Malary Stewart had become the new Solar Empress and Chuck Norris had become a nerd. With that bit of reminding covered and no more ado, I present to you the long awaited 9th chapter of The Legend of Bob!
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Bob ran directly into...his front yard. He assumed that he would be safe there, and he was right for the most part.

"Those guards will never find me here! My front yard is the greatest hiding spot ever. Dad and I used to play hide and seek here all the time. He always won for some reason..." Bob reminisced about the good ol' days.

"Dad. Mom! For their sakes I have to save them from that evil Malary!" Bob cried a few tears before more sirens began to blare.

[Sartorius]

A few heavily armed guards rushed directly onto Bob's front yard, scratching their heads confusedly. He had lain down upon the grass and started moving his arms and legs from side to side sporadically.

"Yea! Grass angels!" Bob laughed childishly, standing up and wondering why there wasn't an imprint of him in the grass.

"Kid, what's your problem?" one of the guards said, although he was sure he didn't want to know the answer. "Don't you know that there's a rule against saying Her Majesty's name out loud!? You trying to get killed or something?!"

[Sartorius]

Bob whirled around away from his grass angel and gasped in shock at what he saw. "OMG! Jim Bob's is still here! My entire quest hadn't been in vain!" Bob jumped for joy, apparently oblivious to the guards who were carrying very dangerous looking spears with crescent moon tips.

"KID! Are you listening to us!?" The guards yelled angrily, moving in toward Bob and pointing their moon spears at his neck, among other places.

"What!? Where did you guys come from!? How did you find me? This hiding spot was fool proof!" Bob yelled, his eyes widening at the guards and their spears.

[Sartorius]

"This kid must be out of touch with reality." One of the guards said to another, who nodded and snickered. "Kid, we'll admit that you had us stumped on where to find you! We honestly never would've expected you to hide somewhere as dumb as your front yard! Seriously." The guard eyed Bob as if he was on some sort of medication.

"How'd you find me, then? And what's with the moons on your sticks? I get the feeling that the sight of them should be psychomagically messing with my head." Bob said, staring at the moon spears trying to figure out what he should be thinking.

"We found you because you said Malary a second time, idiot! And Malary said that all guards are to wield moon weapons to mock some kid named Bob who helped her achieve world power or something. We don't understand it ourselves...but we DO love these spears!" The guards twirled their weapons gleefully.

[Sartorius]

"Oh, that explains it!" Bob realized just why the guards carried moon spears with them. "I once went on a quest to stop the moon from destroying this very state! The person you were talking about must be-

The sirens blared again, and momentarily a few more guards appeared. The new ones were donned in far superior armor and helmets, covered in Hello Kitty decor. Each of them carried a giant, dual bladed crescent moon axe.

"Alright. We just got a signal that a couple of our guards said Her name aloud. Rookies, you know what happens when you say the 'M' word." The leader of the super guards smiled evilly, indicating something bad was about to happen.